lost in a crowd

Ok, so it's now November and I am still in the same place being Normally Crazy.  I keep thinking and keep trying to explain to people what it is that I want to do, but when it comes out it sounds as if I have no legitimate plans.  I really am trying to move away from sounding so indecisive, so of course I just prayed and asked for God to give me clear thoughts so that when I express myself it comes across as a clear cut thing. Rather than this mush of words that probably sounds instable.  I am really feeling lost in a crowd, lonely surrounded by people that I know.  Just at a place where if I feel alone here I mine as well move.  I have too much in me just to sit here and rot from boredem and not express all of this color.  I feel like the door that people want to open to see the rainbow.  It just comes down to who has the key to unlock all of this potential.....

my first blog entry

So I am really trying to figure out what am i doing besides living. What exactly will my destiny have for me? I am really moving from really open to helping others, to a point where i am going to be selfish. i am tired of giving so much of me, and not getting anything. from being involved with ex-cons, drug dealers,closeted gays, laid off employees and child support fiends! all people who needed me in one way or another, took the resources and were gone faster than they came into my life. each one of them took and now i have nothing to show for it but a broken me. not a broken heart, but a broken person trying to to pick up the pieces that they left anywhere they pleased! I am overweight, I don't have the energy to deal with all of the crap i take. but you know what i have a funny feeling that soon i will be emptying my proverbial garbage can soon. i have so many dreams that look like a mirage. I am trying to get me right so that I can be what I want to be. an in shape, hot, beautiful, mamacita! i am not even Spanish lol! i  want  to do it for me. not for anyone else. i want to be rid of the past and start with the new. i want everything new, a new car or at least my car re-newed inside, and some outside repair! I want new hair, that's why i went natural, its sorta curly so i am just waiting for it to grow longer. I want a new wardrobe. i want to start dressing the way i feel like a mix between mildred pierce, Janelle MOnae, and loriAnn Gibson. I want my body to be new, i want defined calves, a stomach that i don't have to wear a girdle everytime i put on something form fitting, and arms that i don't try and cover because of stretch marks and as Wendy Williams would say "bingo wings"!!!lol and as i transform all these things i want to be new on the inside i want my jaded outlook to be clear. no more opaque, blurry visions and dreams,  but crystal clear REALITY